you bet your life

when i was born, my father said, "the wisdom of the world is in her eyes."

i don't think he ever imagined there would be so much more for me to see, that i would have to learn so many hard lessons and go through this many experiences that would eventually mark me, permanently. this is not the life that was envisioned for me. i'm sure the idea was that i would grow up and get good grades and get into a great college and get married and have kids and bring grandchildren over for christmas dinner and everyone would be happy and my parents would be able to sit back and watch the fruits of their labour be harvested.

they didn't envision the emotional problems and the depression i went through as a teenager; they didn't imagine they would be searching my room for drugs and razor blades, or picking me up from a mental ward 3,000 miles away. that i'd drop out of college after a breakdown; that i'd move out before my 18th birthday or even moreso that i'd be gay.

they certainly didn't think that at 23 i'd have cancer, live every day in pain, suffer from seizures. they didn't imagine lying awake at night worrying this treatment won't be enough and they will lose me -- not to suicide as it seemed years ago, but to something much more lethal and out of our control.