i thought i had a piece of my soul left to sell

this morning the coffee shop next to my building was playing melissa etheridge, perhaps in solidarity and with good wishes for her recovery from breast cancer. i couldn't hear it clearly enough to identify the song, but it reminded me of this one, which fits today.

i'm feeling extremely tired and defeated. what is ahead of me, the battles for my health and my life, is too much for me to do. i don't have the energy or strength to fight this, and i know it, and i'm afraid. i am hiding it well, but i'm terrified.

cancer.

it's a frightening word.

i never thought it would apply to me.

i work for a company that sells clinical trial management software, and i try to keep up with the industry, what companies and drugs are being tested. today in a newsletter there was a listing for a new drug being tested for metastatic melanoma.

i never thought it would apply to me.

everyone else in this company is skimming through looking for new sales prospects and competitor adds. and i'm going to the website for a new treatment for a cancer i have.

i feel like i'm dying inside. i feel like i'm dead, to tell the truth. dead inside. i'm not afraid of this cancer killing me, though it could. i'm afraid of what it takes to keep me alive, and of what i am going to have to go through to do it.

when does it end?

Sometimes I feel like an innocent one
To deserve this fate what I have I ever done
I know that I made all the rules
But time can even change the hopeless ways of fools
I love you tonight like I did yesterday
I won't think of tomorrow or the price I pay
I drink from the well my soul is dry
I never know why

All I want is for your love to be all mine
But the angels won't have it
All I want is just a little peace of mind
But the angels won't have it
I thought I had a piece of my soul left to sell
I guess it's just as well
'Cause the angels won't have it

Who's looking after this see-through heart
Someone up there isn't doing their part
Oh Cupid you foolish boy
You should take better aim with your brand new toy
I love you tonight like I did yesterday
I don't think of tomorrow or the price I pay
I drink from the well my soul is dry
I never know why

All I want is for your love to be all mine
But the angels won't have it
All I want is just a little peace of mind
But the angels won't have it
I thought I had a piece of my soul left to sell
I guess it's just as well
'Cause the angels won't have it

So if I die before I wake
The innocent one whose heart could never break
Lift me up take me out of this bed
Watching the angels shake their heads
Don't feel sorry for me baby honey don't you cry
You can sell all of my clothes you will forget me by and by
I'll be riding that train I'll be singing that song
But I won't be gone for long
'Cause the angels won't have it

All I want is for your love to be all mine
But the angels won't have it
All I want is just a little peace of mind
But the angels won't have it
I thought I had a piece of my soul left to sell
I guess it's just as well
'Cause the angels won't have it

-- melissa etheridge, "the angels"