and so it begins

the calendar on the side of the fridge is blank for january, but if you turn the page it's a completely different story. i sat down the other night and wrote in all of my treatment appointments, and every weekday from january 31st to february 25th has an entry, some days two or even three. looking at it is frightening, a clear and undeniable reminder of the scale of what is ahead. especially knowing that after this follows eleven months more -- with fewer appointments, but still much the same.

this will be a long and arduous journey, marked by illness, appointments, blood tests, injections, likely hospital visits and a few emergencies. it will be a war waged from beds, couches, and infusion rooms, in front of the toilet and at the dinner table, in the care of doctors and nurses and family members, fighting not just against cancer but against its treatment.

i'm afraid. i'm already tired. i'm tired of worrying and ready to start, and yet the fact that three days stand between me and that first infusion is incredibly terrifying. i don't know what this will be like, and neither does anyone else. that's what's the scariest of all. i'm a unique patient, a special population, a poor treatment candidate and likely to be severely affected by some of the worst side effects, like seizures and severe depression and nausea, vomiting, and loss of appetite (the latter has been noted over and over by cancer patients in my reading as an obvious redundancy if you're already puking).

but regardless of what happens, i'll be writing about it here, so that everyone who is part of my extended support network, all my family and friends, can keep up with how i am doing even when i can't answer calls or see visitors. thank you to everyone for your continued support, thoughts, prayers, and gifts of all kinds both tangible and intangible to help me through this difficult time. i can only get through with all of you standing beside me, and the knowledge that my room, my home is filled with the spirits of everyone who has offered support is one of the few things that at this time gives me any hope.

please feel free to leave me messages in the form of comments here, or in emails at flowernightmare --at-- gmail.com (replace with @, so i don't get spammed). i will be checking email when i can, and hopefully i will have the opportunity to talk to all of you very important people throughout the next year.


j.