oops

i take that back.

i got a call at 10:30 this morning from my oncologist's nurse. apparently my doctor went on a trip to arizona for some meeting of investigator's, presumably related to a clinical trial, and no one realized until this morning that he wouldn't be here to supervise my first treatment, which is apparently required in case i have some sort of bad reaction or whatever.

so here i am in this heightened state of anxiety, scared to death and ready for it to just be over and to know what's going to happen, and i have to WAIT. i know, it's only a day, but right now that's a day of constant agonizing and fear and anxiousness that i have to get through, and it's totally thrown me for a loop. i can't calm down or stop being upset, i can't even just sit and breathe or focus, i'm all over the place and crying all the time and i am supposed to be working and getting things together that i need from my office but i can't, i can't think straight at all.

but i'm going to go home and keep the schedule i've already set as if i had my appointment anyway. get some rest this afternoon and tomorrow, and try and get centered again so i'm not a complete wreck tomorrow.

i hate doctors, hospitals, health case, systems like this where people don't communicate and the people who get left out and left behind are the patients.

"oops, i'm sorry, we have to reschedule your open heart surgery, because your doc went to play golf in palm springs today with a drug company exec. you know, very last minute, we had no idea..."